…Or is it?
Last week I snapped – I felt like Matt has to freedom to go and do whatever he wants whenever he wants and I’m stuck being little miss house wife and Mum.
Don’t get me wrong I love hanging out with the little man but I just felt like I never get alone time anymore, I never get to do what I want, not even what I want it feels like anything I need do gets crammed in when Nate goes down for his nap wether it be hang the washing, writing blogs, follow up on house stuff – I rush around like an idiot trying to catch up – while Matt just says ‘I’m going to go train’ and leaves or ‘I have a webinar’ and locks himself in the office – he got home from training at 11am, I was waiting for him to get home so I could shower ( I don’t like showering while Nates napping I feel like I can hear him crying the entire time) Matt walks in and says ‘I’m going to go shower’ and that was it.
NO – I WANT TO FUCKING SHOWER – I WANT TO FUCKING COME AND GO AS I PLEASE – I SCREAM FROM THE INSIDE AS I DRY THE DISHES.
The internal frustration got blurted out.
What actually came out was ‘I feel like it’s all about you’ and well the heated convo escalated from there – I couldn’t keep it in any longer.
Matt, completely confused and unsure where this is all coming from as it had been building up for a while, doesn’t understand. They never do, we are two different species – I try not to loose my cool and take it out on drying the dishes angrily – which didn’t work in my favour cutting my finger on a steak knife.
This paused the convo as Matt had to go down the street and get me stere-strips and bandaids.
As he left I thought in my head “Am I over exaggerating?’ – “Am I being selfish for wanting more ME time?”
The convo got put on hold till later that night as Matt had to go pick up some gym equipment and then continued cleaning the gym – again just got to go as he pleased and didn’t return until 5pm that night.
I must admit while he was gone I was able to grasp what I was trying to say to Matt and what was really going down in my head – I want me time, I feel guilty for me time – It really wasn’t about Matt doing whatever he wanted it was about me NOT making time for myself to do what I wanted.
I feel guilty when I’m away – maybe it’s Mothers instinct but I try and hurry back home, it’s not that Matt doesn’t ‘let me’ do things it’s that I don’t prioritise it.
Initially thought – It’s not ME, it’s YOU – I deflected the situation and blamed Matt when really I was just jealous of him for putting him self first at times.
It really was It’s not YOU, it’s ME – I need to be more selfish and schedule time in to get things done – it makes me a better Mum, wife, business owner, and personal in general – it keeps me sane.
And I didn’t even realise this until it all got too much, it’s easy to spend days, weeks months with your kiddies almost 24/7 and before you know it you’re drowning just wanting a little time to yourself – Mum life is amazing but it’s demanding, you need to be on all the time and those little bundles of joy zap your energy very quickly.
The reason I wasn’t training, writing or setting my self time to do the things I enjoy was not Matts fault, even though I took it out on him – from the very start of the discussion he said ‘I’m not stopping you from doing things’ and he was right he wasn’t – if anything he encourages me in anything I want to do.
But how is he to know unless he is told? Men aren’t mind readers….
If I didn’t implode when Matt got home earlier that morning how was he to know I wanted to shower?
Lack of communication can be detrimental in relationships and more so when a baby is brought into the mix.
Resolution? We made a schedule for this week – training times, filming times and ME times – this ensures I prioritize myself and I tell ya want I’m feeling x10 better already!
I know this is a common occurrence in households so some take aways would be – have you voiced how you feel? Your partner isn’t a mind reader, communicate and come to a resolution before you snap and take it out on them when maybe it isn’t even about them it is about YOU?
Prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish, it is healthy – physically, emotionally & mentally healthy.
Stay Strong & Stretch,